A mistress of solitude
by AllTheTricks
Summary: Shinji never expected this. One moment he was comfortably numb; an indifferent soul inside a fragile shell, and the next he was torn from everything he knew. Was this human interaction? Is this what it's like to know happiness? Shinji embarks on a journey to break free from his past and forge a better life for himself, but it's not a journey he can make on his own Alter universe!
1. Chapter 1

**What's up readers! It's been a while but I'm back now with an alternate universe Evangelion fic. This'll be eventual Shinji/Asuka and may or may not contain other characters. Shinji is pretty in character but I've tweaked Asuka's personality to one that sort of contrasts well with Shinji's. Considering that this fic is one without Eva's, NERV, or Angels, her personality would obviously be different considering how reliant she was on her piloting skills to be anybody of importance. But anyway, I hope you enjoy~**

Till next time yo.

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_God foresaken or just god forgotten? I gave my faith to the dirt long ago. Sorrow wells from the cracked ground, and long ago the answer was drowned. Razor to flesh only solves the numbness, It's only a band-aid on a festering wound. It's like CPR for a bullet to the head, something only pretended to work. If life had a respawn button, how many times would I jump? Would I even stop? Life is just a game, and still I feed coins into the machine, drowning it all in caffeine, music and video games. Will I ever be saved? I can't seem to find the right combination on the lock of happiness. But whatever, I'll find it myself._

Shinji dropped his pencil with a sigh as he gently closed the cover of his notebook. He sighed again before swigging his legs up from the floor to rest upon the nearby windowsill overlooking the grimy, neon lit streets of downtown Tokyo. He wasn't sure how many hours of his life he'd spent pointlessly staring out of these dirty windows, hoping for something to change. Hoping for a streak of colour in his monotonous existence. He continued his lazed observation of the street beneath him and the city beyond as his mind drifted from thought to thought, never entertaining one long enough for him to become intrigued or interested in any particular aspect of said thought. His mind's eye pictured himself living the lives of the many people down on the cold, wet street, umbrellas in hand and destinations in mind. He never lingered on the thought for long lest it made him jealous that those people lived a purposeful existence. Every once in a while he'd spot another of his kind. They weren't hard to pick. Always the same. Hoodie up with their heads hanging low to the ground and headphones dangling listlessly from their ears as they roamed the streets with no particular goal in mind, only an escape from the empty darkness of their small, cramped rooms. He often found himself doing the same thing. He'd roam the streets for hours searching for something to remind him he was alive. He always hated the July/September holidays. Day after day of solitude and wastefulness. Not that it was any different at school. The few days he did go were no better than when he was home. He had no friends, no one to call his own. He simply watched as his classmates embraced their lives filled with ambition and hope while he continued to slowly drift away. The teachers always pretended to be concerned about him but in the end nothing changed. He continued to exist in mere isolation from the outside world. He lived alone for the most part. His mother died in a car accident only months after he was born but it never really distressed him. _'What's the point of missing something you never had?'_ he would tell himself. And as for his dad, that was an entirely different story. His father, Gendo Ikari, was a world class professor of Greek culture. Due to his line of work, his father was often out of the house, travelling the world for various seminars and speeches. Shinji was born and raised in York, England and at the age of 14 they moved to the slums of Tokyo. Why? He had no idea but he didn't really care. The new scenery was a pleasant change. That was 3 years ago. He was 17 now and the bright neon lights of Tokyo that once intrigued him were now nothing more than a dull glare at the borders of his waking conscious. He stirred from his cold, distant memories only to be greeted by the equally as cold and desolate present.

Running his hand through his dark brown hair, he rose out of his armchair and set off in search for food. Softly he padded his way through the dark corridors of his apartment before noticing the flicking red light of a clock in the hall; 2:31am. He'd been reminiscing over his past for well over an hour without even realizing. That's how it was lately. He'd drift out of conscious thought and into the realm of his very own, distant memories. After what only seems like minutes, he'd be snapped harshly back to reality only to find that hours had gone by without his knowledge. Such was the way of things. Shaking his head, he continued onward towards the kitchen where he hoped pitifully that there would be something waiting for him other than the usual insta-ramen that he feasted on day in, day out. Lady luck was not smiling on him today however, as he was greeted by a barren cupboard meekly decorated with three cup noodle packets, two aspirin and a few salty crackers. He chuckled to himself; this is what he lived on. This is how he got by day after day. Sighing in resignation; he reached out for one of the noodle cups. "Now there's only two left..." He chuckled to himself before cooking up the food and returning to his room. He settled into his chair once more and dedicated his time to admiring how the steam licked off the surface of his steaming cup of noodles. It was beautiful in the moment before it vanished forever. The way the steam twisted and churned through the air, bringing warmth to anything it greeted before dissipating out of existence. In such a small moment, something beautiful is born and at the same time, something beautiful is lost to memory. Something as trivial as steam is not something that will be remembered as a thing of beauty for it is small and insignificant. Shinji found himself comparing his own existence to that of this steam. Blossoming in silence, away from the world and soon to be gone, wiped from existence and forgotten by all who knew him. "It's amazing how something as simple as steam can make me this god damn upset." He ran his fingers through his hair once more; it was going to be another long night.

He was dragged out of his dead slumber by the loud bustling of the metropolis beyond the haven that the frail glass of his window provided. Blinking and rubbing the sleep from his glazed eyes, he rolled his legs off the edge of his bed and was greeted by the cold concrete floor beneath. He sauntered over to his drawers and retrieved a clean change of clothes before venturing off to the shower to begin his pointless day. "Here we are again friend; it's nice to see you." He grumbled to himself as his bathroom began to fill with fog ever so slowly as the steam crept up from the ground where hot water clashed with icy tile. He felt a small smile ghost across his features before he stepped under the scalding water and winced from the immense pain it brought. This was part of his day. He'd burn his skin till it was a bright red just to feel alive. Some people might call him a masochist but he didn't really enjoy it. He just wanted to bring some warmth to his cold body. Stepping from the shower, Shinji was quick to dry himself off with a towel before changing into a pair of old black jeans, a cheap knockoff brand of Nike runners, a plain black tee and last but most definitely not least, his beloved hoodie. He slid his headphones in, gathered up the apartment keys from the front bench and strode out into the harsh cold of Tokyo's winter morning.


	2. Chapter 2

The date was the 23rd of December. It was snowing mildly as Shinji stumbled aimlessly through the packed streets of pre-Christmas Tokyo with no goal in mind. Due to the natural crowding on the sidewalks and the roads, Shinji found himself constantly mumbling and After shuffling and edging slowly through the throng for what seemed like an hour, Shinji managed to break from the pack and quickly rushed off to Inokashira Park to find solace under the cherry blossoms. Upon arriving at Inokashira, he was surprised to find it amazingly desolate and empty. _'Perhaps it's the time of year? No one likes going to the park when the Sakura trees are dead and not to mention the icy cold temperatures.'_ After thinking about it for a while, it was no wonder that the park was devoid of any young teenage couples sharing a romantic day together or even an older couple spending their cherished time with each other while their children played in the snow having the time of their lives. He envied them, he truly did. They got to live out the rest of their no doubt long lives with the person they love while he patiently waited for his time to come all alone, locked up in his apartment on the 3rd floor of a nearby apartment complex. He shook the dark thoughts from his mind along with the snow from his boots and continued on his journey to find a suitable place to sit down and relax the day away; he needed to take a load off and at the present time he felt like he could sink into the snow and disappear.

After about fifteen minutes of wandering around the park Shinji spotted a park bench that was borderline cliché in its placing. The wrought-iron bench was wrapped around the thick base of a tree with beautiful snow-covered foliage on one side and on the other was the sparkling Inokashira pond in all its winter glory. He took a moment to admire the spectacular change of scenery before letting out a small huff of breath and dropped his thin frame down onto the icy metal seat and felt the snow melt into the back of his jeans. His gaze drifted across the other denizens of the park and he was struck by a feeling that he couldn't quite place. Each of these people all had their own lives, achievements, failures, aspirations and friends. All these intricate threads are woven together by our daily actions to create a massive sprawling labyrinth with endless connections to the lives of others. These thoughts ushered in a powerful loneliness deep inside Atlas as he realized that too many people in the world, he was nothing but a drop in their ocean. To people from other countries he was nothing more than a digit on the population counter. He chuckled to himself out of desperation as these thoughts began to loom over his conscience like a growing thunderhead, ready to wash away any feelings of belonging or contentment that were beginning to bloom in his mind. "It's funny, I come here to relax and take my mind off things and I end up getting even worse." He spat to himself, unaware of the company he now kept.

"Well that's kind of silly isn't it?" A sweet feminine voice echoed from his left hand side. He spun around quickly and was greeted with the sight of an auburn-haired beauty.

"Woah, you scared me," he proclaimed, scratching the back of his head out of habit and as the seconds past he felt his anxiety slowly creeping up on him.

"I get that reaction from a lot of people honestly, not sure why. I'm not that scary am I?" She questioned, putting emphasis on her final words before pulling a funny face and sticking her tongue out.

"Uh, no. Not at all. Quite the opposite really. Um, what's your name?" His words were nearly drowned by his choking anxiety and in a panic he stammered out a string of idiocy, she probably thought he was mentally deficient. He wasn't joking though, she truly was very beautiful and that was the source of his uncomfort. _'Pretty girls don't talk to Shinji Ikari, especially girls who look like that.'_ He thought silently to himself. Maybe she was here to mock him?

Ignoring his question she began to rattle words off that quicksilver tongue of hers. "You know you probably should get up and move around occasionally, I heard that being buried in snow can be quite problematic." She threw in with a smile in her voice and a small giggle as Shinji glanced down in surprise at the thin layer of snow that had come to settle in his lap and a quick brush of his fingers through his hair confirmed her words; he had indeed been gathering snow. "It's a good look though I guess. the pure white contrasts perfectly with your dark hair. It's badass!"

"Um, thanks I guess," he nervously muttered, "but um, to whom do I own the pleasure of your company?" The stammering continued and he couldn't calm his nerves. He was conversing with a gorgeous girl who seemed to have some fascination with the pigment of his skin.

"You're not from around here are you? No no you're not, nope, no way. Hmm. Ireland? Wait no you don't sound Irish. You're from England aren't you? Yeah you look like a British boy. Anyone ever told you you're kinda cute? Well, cute in a weird loner kind of way, yeah I can see it." He was astounded. She wasn't listening to his words at all and her machine gun tongue didn't show any signs of relenting.

"Uh, helloooo?" he droned, trying to catch her attention all while trying to avoid those grabbing hands of hers. In a desperate attempt to stop her from trying to continue her inspection of his body, he burst out an answer, "Yes you're right! I'm from York." This seemed to halt her assault for a moment before a look of confusion splashed across her face and it took me a moment to realize why. "York, England of course." This seemed to remedy the issue and her confused eyes returned to the state they were in only moments ago and he could see that they were full of a mix of emotions. Bits and pieces of excitement but mostly curiosity. He could tell she was the kind of person who wanted to know everything about someone just, well. Just because they want to know.

"Oh."

_'Really? After all that hassle all you have to say is oh? You're something else..'_

"So I was right!" She exclaimed with a giggle, obviously proud of her little guess.

"Well, technically you called Irish first, so I can't give you that point." I laughed back at her. Strange. _'Is this what human interaction feels like?'_ I took a moment to process the thought before confirming that yes; this was indeed what it felt like to laugh along with someone. While he was lost in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed the girl now trying to draw his attention by waving her hands around. "Woah, sorry about that!" She responded by shaking her head in exasperation.

"As I was saying before you rudely ignored me, was that you haven't even asked me for my name yet! What kind of gentleman are you? No wonder you're here all alone and," cutting off her sentence with a huff and offering her hand she finished, "the name is Asuka, Asuka Langley. Strange I know, but I couldn't think of anything better to suit me. It's unique just like me!" He felt as though there was an undertone of something in her voice during those last couple words but he lacked too much social interaction to deduce what it could possibly be, so he shrugged it off as nothing. "My last name is kind of lame though, I mean, Langley? That's not impressive at all!" He realized that he was yet to give his name and that was probably why she was pulling such a face at him.

"My name is Shinji Ikari. It's a pleasure to meet you Asuka. Say, what are you doing out here on a day like today? I didn't expect to see anyone else out here to be honest." He scratched the back of his head again before noticing a look on her face he couldn't quite read. "Uh, unless that's asking too much of course, sorry.." He could physically feel his temporary courage fade away as he began to realize where he was and who he was with. A girl. No. A beautiful girl. He couldn't come to terms with this strange twist of fate. His anxiety had returned and it was evident in both his voice and his choice of words and he could tell she'd noticed.

"No there's nothing wrong with that question, although a better one would be what's wrong with you? You're getting all fidgety and you look like you want to curl up and cry." Her entire demeanor had changed and the atmosphere in the park had shifted with it, from joyful to dark and tense. He wasn't sure what to say and even if he knew he couldn't spit it out, his throat had locked up on him, suffocating the words before they had a chance to live. "Listen is something wrong or not!" She shouted, startling birds from the nearby trees. The loud shock shook him from his daze and brought him back to reality long enough to mumble out a few garbled apologies before quickly making his escape in an attempt to avoid making a bigger fool of himself than he already had. "Sorry, I-uh, I really gotta go! It was nice meeting you Asuka!" He shouted over his shoulder which was answered with a loud shout of her own.

"Where are you going? Come back here!"

Thing is, he didn't answer her. He didn't even look back. He honestly didn't think he'd ever see her again and so he just ran. He ran until he could no longer feel the stinging behind his eyes or the churning in his gut. He ran until his legs threatened to buckle and collapse. He ran away because it was the only thing he knew how to do.

'_What the hell did you just do Shinji you god damn idiot? I'll tell ya, you just threw a potential friendship with a cute girl away, why? Because you're a scared little wimp who's too afraid to get his tiny toes wet. You're a damn disgrace and no better than a child.' _He could do nothing but reprimand himself for his earlier actions. He laid in his dimly-lit room and would have enjoyed the tranquil silence if it hadn't been ruined by his inner conflicts and the raging tornado of guilt threatening to swallow up what little compassion he'd begun to feel for himself.


End file.
